Indignación capitalina

Indignada, una amiga hizo llegar a mi e-mail este archivo que, como pueden ver, es una presentación para Power Point. Tiene que ver con todo el boroló que han armado —no sé sí Julito pero sí con toda seguridad Isabella Santodomingo— acerca de la Bogotá que recrearon en Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Nos piden que boicoteemos esa película en viva señal de protesta. Yo la boicoteé sencillamente porque no me llamó la atención.

Resulta que una de las primeras secuencias muestra a «Bogotá» como un caserío en medio de un desierto o bosque húmedo tropical por donde pasa un helicóptero y se ven varias explosiones. Viene a mí la imagen de Mitú, capital del departamento de Vaupés. ¿Por qué Mitú? Porque queda en la mierda y no la conozco, así de sencillo. Busco en Google y me encuentro con que la imagen no está muy lejos de la que pasó por mi cabeza. Hecho simpático.

Bien, seguramente lo mismo les sucedió los productores gringos. Pensaron «Bogotá» y se imaginaron Mitú. ¿Hay que culparlos por eso? Depende. Hay que señalar su evidente mediocridad. Si cuando busqué «Mitú» salieron algunas fotos, los productores habrían podido hacer lo mismo poniendo «Bogotá» en el popular buscador. Veamos qué les habría salido:

  • Panorámica del centro desde la séptima, hacia el sur. Típico.
  • Panorámica del centro y del occidente desde los cerros. Típico.
  • Panorámica nocturna del centro, desde el Colsubsidio de la 26 o el Cementerio Central. Menos típico, hace parte de una postal de las que vende el español de la Jiménez.
  • Panorámica nocturna del centro desde los cerros; se ve la circunvalar. Típico.
  • Procedimiento llamado «bolsa de Bogota». ¡Huy! ¡Sorpresa! Es un sujeto abierto de arriba abajo por su abdomen. No sé si Bogota es con o sin tilde en este caso —es decir, no sé si tiene que ver con la bella capital de la República de Colombia— pero parece ser un objeto común en procedimientos quirúrgicos cuando hay graves lesiones del peritoneo.
  • Plaza de Bolívar durante el festival de teatro. Por fin algo que no es la típica panorámica del centro: la típica foto de la plaza de Bolívar.
  • Foto de Guadalupe, desde Monserrate. Rarísimo. Claro, es foto de un viajero gringo «liberal». (La página es interesante, por cierto… la de un tal Richard Stallman.)
  • Plaza de Bolívar. Típico. Lo «raro» es que es de una página japonesa.
  • Hotel Tequendama e iglesia de San Diego. Es de una página que recomienda hoteles.
  • Mapa de Colombia. Salen Bogotá y Armenia como dos punticos. Es de una noticia viejísima: el terremoto de 1999.
  • Aparte del pobre señor abierto de par en par, parece que bien provista está la interné de foticos de una Bogotá «decente» y hasta de su localización geográfica. Es bien sabido que interné nunca miente pues es oráculo y faro que ilumina estos tiempos. Conclusión: tal vez en Hollywood todavía no tienen Internet; tal vez sí, pero no conocen Google.

    Sí…

    Pero seguramente ven CNN o leen el periódico y esos medios tradicionales y desinformados dicen que en Colombia hay guerra. Todos sabemos que aquí no hay. Bueno, digamos que en Colombia sí hay guerra. Pero en Bogotá no pasa eso. Aquí vivimos divinamente. No más salga a la calle: andenes, ciclorrutas, Transmilenio, Maloka. Y además es muy clarito: Bogotá es más grande que como la ponen ahí. ¡Bogotá no es Mitú! ¡Hágame el favor!

    Sigamos…

    En Bogotá no pasa lo que pasa en otras ciudades donde sí hay guerras. En Bogotá no estallan bombas cada cinco minutos como en el Medio Oriente. ¡No somos eso! ¿No vio lo que pasó en Madrid o en Londres? ¡Allá si hay explosiones! ¡Allá la gente si anda armada en la calle! ¿No ve a los árabes esos que ponen en la presentación de Power Point? ¡Allá en esos países sí pasa eso! ¡Señores de Hollywood, por favor, no usen más a Bogotá para eso! ¡Hay suficientes ciudades en el mundo donde sí hay guerra! ¡Hasta en Colombia! ¡Hay suficientes pueblitos como Mitú que se los toma la guerrilla a cada rato! No sé, cualquiera de esos pueblecitos que dizque capitales de departamento… ¡Pero no pongan el nombre de Bogotá ahí! ¡Porque si quieren recrear a Bogotá entonces tienen que filmar en una locación que se le compare! ¡París! ¡Nueva York! ¡Los Ángeles! ¡San Francisco! ¡O Vancouver! ¡Vancouver es más barato y allá filman todo!

    Bueno…

    También nos dice la presentación que los policías hablan con acento cubano y mejicano. ¡Por favor! ¿Es que no saben que aquí en Bogotá no tenemos acento? ¡Eso hasta lo saben todos los provincianos indios peinados esos del interior! Aquí en Bogotá hablamos neutro, ¡sépase bien! La gente nos oye hablar y dice «¡Qué neutralidad! ¡Es el acento más soso que haya oído! ¡Tan neutro que ni siquiera sé si son rolos! ¿De dónde serán? ¿De verdad serán rolos? Es que si los rolos tuvieran acento sabría, pero como no tienen… Debe de ser porque han recibido influencias de tantas partes, de todos los acentos del mundo, que al final… Eso es como la luz blanca: el acento rolo es la suma de todos los acentos. Admirable.» ¿Es que no saben eso en Hollywood? ¿Es que no saben que hay casi un millón de colombianos en Estados Unidos? Ah… pero la mayoría son paisas, entonces no tienen el acento neutro que todos los bogotanos tenemos… Y debe ser muy caro llevar suficientes rolos a la cantera donde construyeron el pueblito ese… Y el pan orgánico de la Jolie debe ser carísimo… Y eso es prioridad.

    Eso se les perdona de pronto… decisiones de producción…

    ¡Pero cuándo van a entender que en Bogotá no hace calor! ¡Aquí no hace calor! ¡Aquí si no nieva es porque..! Aquí no nieva pero no importa porque los techos de las casas de Teusaquillo nos indican que esto podría ser como Londres. ¿No saben esos gringos que aquí hay chimeneas en las casas para protegernos del terrible sereno? ¡14 grados! ¡Óigase bien: 14 grados de temperatura promedio! ¡Esto no es ninguna Baja California, señores! ¡Esto no es el desierto de Mojave! ¡Aquí llueve todo el año! ¡El clima de esta ciudad es CI-VI-LI-ZA-DO! ¡Es bien sabido que nadie puede ser una persona CI-VI-LI-ZA-DA donde hace calor! ¡Por eso en Barrancabermeja no hay universidades! ¡Claro! ¡Seguro ese calor californiano les tostó el cerebro a esos gringos! Pero a lo mejor no podían desplazarse hasta una locación así fría y verde y lluviosa… Y Pitt seguramente también come orgánico… Y eso es carísimo.

    Sí, es que cuando uno hace una película hay que tener prioridades y el mercado orgánico de Pitt ¡es el mercado orgánico!

    También nos dicen que cómo es posible que sigan poniendo a Colombia y a Bogotá como un nido de ratas habiendo tantos colombianos que triunfan en el exterior y que son motivo de orgullo para todos nuestros compatriotas. ¿Es que no saben que Sofía Vergara actuó en Guardianes de la bahía? ¡Óigase bien! ¡Guardianes de la bahía! No es ninguna novelucha de veinte pesos. ¿Es que no saben esos gringos que Guardianes de la bahía ha sido traducida a todos los idiomas del mundo? ¿O acaso no conocen a Juan Pablo Montoya? ¡Claro! ¡Como esos gringos solo ven dizque Nascar y la Cart! No saben cómo es la vaina del automovilismo elegante, europeo, con clase. ¡Como en Bogotá! Tiene tanta clase Montoya que ¡él también come orgánico! ¡El también habría podido actuar en esa película! Entonces se les suben los costos ya con tres mercados orgánicos…

    Sí… imposible. No, eso sería ya mucha plata…

    No, todo bien, gringos. Yo los perdono. Fue falta de plata. Yo sé que a lo mejor sí actuaban de buena fe. Y bueno, mejor que digan eso de Bogotá. ¿Porque qué tal que la muestren como verdaderamente es? ¿Qué tal todas esas chusmas de inmigrantes africanos y chinos que, atraídas por este faro de progreso que es mi ciudad, vendrían aquí a contaminarla con su incultura? ¡Huys no! ¡Qué tal!

    Con mucho cariño para mi mejor amigo calentano, Eduardo «Dauchoroma» Patiño, que de particular manera me enseñó que todas estas cosas que dije —y que muchos bogotanos todavía creen y sostienen— eran mentira. Y también dedicado a Bogotá, mi ciudad aunque ciudad de nadie que lleva 467 años creyéndose quién sabe qué, pero que todo bien. ¡Ah! Y a Carlos Antonio Vélez que hace poco en una entrevista en CityTV se le salió un «yo era de Manizales» que me hizo reír mucho porque con esa frase sintetizó lo que esta ciudad al fin y al cabo representa para el resto del país, aunque la odien.

    214 comentarios sobre “Indignación capitalina”

    1. Arieh Capella dijo:

      Genial post, Migue.

      Eso es lo mismo que yo pienso de semejante Campaña. a la final, en Hollywood les importa un Ciezo si nos quejamos o no.

      La entrevista, esta tarde

      See Ya!

      Kozure Okami

    2. juglar del zipa dijo:

      Mierda, Kozure, esta tarde no puedo : S

      Un abrazo

    3. Juan Camilo Aljuri dijo:

      Volvemos a lo mismo. El colombiano se ofende por lo que no debería, por lo que es importante hoy en día: la imagen de una película de Hollywood. Hay que ahorrar aliento para otras cosas.

    4. Ciudadano Típico dijo:

      Apreciado Juglar.
      Quisiera que, con algunos links menos, pasara ud este post a una energica comunicación a los estudios que realizaron el film. Es necesario que todas las verdades -por usted aqui reunidas- se sepan y por fin nos respeten y nos den el lugar que nos merecemos.

      Larga vida a la hermosa y pacifica y llena de gente linda, atenas latinoamericana.

    5. David Cortés dijo:

      De algo que leía en días pasados me quedó la frase “Bogotá ya no es la Atenas Suramericana sino el Tibet Latinoamericano” (o algo así).

      Pues esa representación de Bogotá, en la nueva película de la mujer de prominentes labios, más que rabia da risa. En una escena salen la pareja Smith en una supuesta calle de nuestra ciudad bailando entre mendigos y canecas de metal con llamas. Tal representación me dio un aire de conflicto armado del medio oriente en Melgar y con una calle del cartucho. Yo no lo asimilé tanto con Mitú.

      A los gringos ya no los cambia nadie. Para ellos U.S.A. es U.S.A. y lo demás es loma. Lo digo porque alguna vez un pisco de Boston me decía que antes de venir a Bogotá el tenía la imagen de una ciudad en donde la gente aun se defendía con flechas, se cubría con harapos y vivían en casitas de bareque. Ciertamente el comentario no es tan lejano de la realidad de algunos rincones de nuestra Colombia.

      Lo cierto es que sí es una ofensa esa supuesta Bogotá de esa película. Una ofensa para ir a quejarse al Mono de la Pila porque si no estoy mal, esta ya es como la cuarta película en donde muestran una Bogotá llena de vecinos dándose plomo, ciudadanos con pinta de campesinos mejicanos y gallinas corriendo por los andenes.

      Siendo que hay en realidad peores lugares como La Línea Bermelia, las favelas o los edificios de subsidio de vivienda en Río de Janeiro, Brasil. Así como dice un guache amigo mío “¡Eso sí que es candela ¿oiga?!”

      Río de Janeiro sí que es un cuento aparte. Y de eso sí que hay historias.

    6. Tafca dijo:

      Muy divertido su mercé en este post. A diferencia del sr Aljuri, si entendí bien, creo que todo el lío con la imagen de la película si es para discutir…no es algo vital, pero tampoco creo que se deba dejar pasar. Y como ud dice, habrá que mostrarles google y otras cositas que a lo mejor ignoran, no sea que vuelvan a hacer tremendo oso y de pasada uno que otro crea que el bogotano es calentano y con metralla en mano.
      La verdad preferiría que chinos y africanos se interesaran más en venir por acá, en vez que tanto paisa y costeño molesto (y no lo digo por todos…finalmente por allá nací).

    7. juglar del zipa dijo:

      David:

      Aquí también he visto gallinas en los andenes, muchas calles sin pavimentar (no con huecos, sin pavimentar), gente que va con machete al cinto y “favelas” de proporciones vergonzosas.

      El caso es que así como Bogotá no es un pueblo de 20 cuadras, tampoco es sólo Transmilenio y Maloka, cosas que además tiene cualquier ciudad que merezca ese nombre y mucho menos es una ciudad ejemplar. Yo la considero una ciudad sin más a las faldas de unos maravillosos cerros.

      Aljuri:

      Yo no me rasgo las vestiduras por este hecho ni voy a participar en esta campañita chimba. Mucho menos creo que hayan pintado a Bogotá así en un alevoso intento de desprestigiarnos. Sencillamente los productores gringos son gente muy poco rigurosa o al menos juegan con la poca rigurosidad del público (www.moviemistakes.com es casi extraordinario).

      Si yo fuera productor no sería necesariamente muy respestuoso pero sí mucho más riguroso. Bogotá no es la ciudad que necesitaban para esa secuencia y ya (el párrafo sobre eso va un poco en serio). Habrían podido hacer el ejercicio de Google y decir “mejor busquemos Kabul” (ejercicio que tendría que hacerse en honor a la ecuanimidad). Quién sabe si Bogotá, tal como es, les sirva realmente para alguna película.

      A mí me pareció muy bueno el diseño de producción de “La esmeralda perdida”… pues sí hay mucho de mejicano y no hay que olvidar los famosos cocodrilos en el castillo de San Felipe, pero se les notó un poquito de investigación en los uniformes de los policías, el uso del renault 4 y más o menos en la recreación de los paisajes.

    8. Dauchoroma dijo:

      No sé cual fue esa manera particular como le mostré que esos cuentos eran mentira. Lo que sí sé es que el artículo está buenísimo.
      Bueno, aunque le faltó decir que está comprobado que el frío de bogotá tiene un efecto- apenas natural- de contracción sobre la masa cerebral de sus habitantes. Quedo en mora de presentarle el documento completo de tan interesante estudio científico.

    9. niñopaleta dijo:

      hay un semidocumental buenisimo sobre la septima ..creo que se llama invisible 3 o algo asi, valdria la pena que lo vieras miguel

    10. juglar del zipa dijo:

      Dauchoroma:

      Pues fue precisamente por medio de esos completos estudios científicos tan detallados, libres de prejuicios y boyantes de evidencia empírica.

      Niñopaleta:

      Sí he oído que el productor de ese documental era un joven talento en ciernes : P

    11. Absolut Bliss dijo:

      me da risa la trascendencia que le dieron los medios a esa secuencia de la película… En hollywood ese es el pan de cada día! Se reciben demandas por aprte de todo tipo de gente por que ofenden la identidad de muchos individios y etnias en el mundo! y nosotros como buenos colombianos armamos pereque por eso? Bueno, tampoco es para quedarse callado pero hya otras cosas para preocuparse… Que la señora Martha Senn se vaya a cantar y ocuparse por el IDCT y que los productores de la película vean si pueden venir, eso no es de vida o muerte.

    12. Diego Silva Ardila dijo:

      Me gustó mucho el artículo. Evidentemente la campaña es una ridiculez y además que grosería de presentación (Si es tan desocupado el artista de esa presentación al menos hágala mejor).

      La imagen internacional puede ser importante en la medida que una ciudad busque objetivos claros para perseguirla. Bogotá, así como Cali o Medellín estan tratando de consolidar nuevas imagenes en materia industrial, turismos “alternativos” y comercial. Sin embargo es bueno recordar que el plan Colombia o los subsidios que recibimos de nuestro grandioso benefactor no son gratis y es políticamente correcto que los gringos que nos siguen mandando plata de su bolsillo crean que aqui se vive en un cagadero, igual no van a pensar en pegarse la pasadita. Además que nos importa que una manota de imbeciles sepa que Bogotá es bonita, como sabemos que lo es.

      OJO, no olvidar que aunque tengamos transmilenio, maloka, monserrate y hasta Wi-Fi en el “parque”, también tenemos miles de manzanas que son como las de la película; y que Bogotá empeñada en quedarse con todo lo que tiene este país también se tendrá que chupar miles de desplazados de la guerra que si tenemos aquí. Entonces más que la imagen Julitoy sus amigos de campaña debería gastar su tiempo en campañas para mejorar el papel de Bogotá en su función como capital de la República al mismo tiempo que buscar consolidarse como ciudad. y ahora si va mi hipótesis a ver si me ayudan a pulirla:

      BOGOTA no es CIUDAD, por muchos años solo ha sido CAPITAL que es muy distinto. Por eso esta llena de tinterillos, corruptos, tramitadores y la ineficiencia e inercia se respira todos los días. No quiero decir que para ser ciudad no se puede ser capital… sino que se deben diferenciar estas dos nobles tareas y de esta forma tener una mejor actuación.

      Bogotá es muy linda, y va a mejorar, por que eso si tenemos los colombianos que cuando algo no nos gusta tratamos de mejorarlo como sea. Saludos Mike y muy bacano… se me cuida.

    13. juglar del zipa dijo:

      Diego:

      Pues Bogotá si es una ciudad. Claro que como ciudad es muy pequeña porque es una ciudad de un millon de habitantes que va a lo largo de dos calles rodeada o completada por un extensísimo suburbio de seis millones de habitantes con unas cuatro centralidades más o menos independientes. Pero igual es ciudad, no es un campamento de burócratas como sí es Brasilia. En ese caso tiene su peso tener casi 500 años de historia.

      Hay cosas que nos hacen pensar que el tamaño de la ciudad es mínimo, sobre todo cuando resulta que toda la gente que conocemos ya estaba relacionada de alguna manera con nosotros, que por estudiar en la universidad, ir de rumba o tener trabajo uno está en una pequeñísima minoría a cuyos miembros terminará conociendo de una u otra manera. Y esto para qué? Para pensar en la definición que le daban a uno en el colegio de la diferencia entre ciudad y pueblo: “en la ciudad nadie se conoce y en el pueblo todos se conocen”.

      Interesante su idea de que les toca mostrar a Bogotá como una aldea para que a los gringos no les duela dar plata… la pregunta es si al final los gringos si saben que la plata la están mandado acá.

    14. Marcela dijo:

      Qué vergüenza tan ajena la campaña anti película.

      Y pensar que cuántas veces no he pasado yo por el mismo oso, explicando mil y una veces que “no, no extraño ni el calor ni el sol ni el calor humano, vengo de una ciudad fría, donde siempre llueve y todos son unos groseros desconfiados”, y “no, porfa, si me la va a montar por lo de la droga, al menos montémela bien. Colombia es el productor, no el consumidor”.

      Parecemos la mamá indignada porque la niña está echando barriga y quedando mal y reitera hasta el cansancio que fue en una piscina o hasta de pronto el Espíritu Santo.

      Claro que la mamá del cuento no demanda a los vecinos que se ríen pasito, en cambio nosotros exigimos cuanto acto de enmienda (remember Miss Colombia en no sé qué programa gringo, retiro de camisetas de no sé qué fabricante en Italia, demanda a la National Geographic por documental de Medellín…)

      El otro punto: yo dejé de indignarme de la ignorancia ajena cuando comencé a darme cuenta de la propia. “Vengo de Burkina Fasso”. Ajá…. y esa mondá dónde queda? “Yo, de Kasajstán”… me dio oso verlo en el atlas, tan grandote, y yo sin saber que existía.

      Yo como que me voy a mandar a hacer una camiseta que diga “Cocalombia” o alguna cosa por el estilo, para ponérmela y así dejar de joder y no seguir haciendo esos oxos tan candoroxos…. Gracias Juglar.

    15. Federico de la Regueira dijo:

      No he visto la pelicula, ni pienso verla, y no es por lo de Bogotá sino porque no me llama la atención. La campaña es ridícula, pero la irresponsabilidad de los produtores comienza a preocupar porque los gringos si se comen el cuento…
      Lo que me pregunto es: ¡por qué es tan difícil imitar el acento de los bogotanos? Acepto que no tenemos un acento neutral, es más tenemos muchos acentos, pero les queda dificil…

    16. juglar del zipa dijo:

      Federico:

      El acento de los bogotanos no es dificil de imitar o es tan difícil como cualquier acento. Dígale a cualquier paisa o costeño que lo imite y se verá reflejado en vergonzoso espejo porque, como toda imitación, será una exageración. Así que no le va a sonar “normal”.

    17. sicoactiva dijo:

      Oiga, el tal Richard Stallman es el fundador del proyecto GNU que distribuye un sistema operativo gratuito y promueve ideas anti-imperialistas de compartir el software, compartir información y compartirlo todo. Es un genio-hacker y estuvo en Bogotá dando una conferencia creo que el año pasado.

      Claro, usted no tenía por qué saber eso.

    18. juglar del zipa dijo:

      Sicoactiva:

      Sí lo sabía… : D

      Por eso el link y el sarcasmo…

    19. sicoactiva dijo:

      jajajajajajajajajajajja

    20. el cacique de la junta dijo:

      otro con el cuentico de que los bogotanos no tienen acento

    21. petrit baquero dijo:

      ya lo lei completo. Ya capté tu sarcasmo ala.

    22. juglar del zipa dijo:

      Petrit:

      Bravo, la cogiste. Te faltó algo de “fino humor cachaco, ala”, en vez de tu guasa seudo-costeña, que es procaz y destructiva. Hágame el favor…

    23. juglar del zipa » Archivo del weblog » Cachaco dijo:

      […] Tengo otro blog «experimental» que se llama De Montserrat a Monserrate. Está hecho a manera de diálogo epistolar con un catalán que se hace llamar Lobisome y está casado con una colombiana en Barcelombia. Con vergüenza debo decir que no le he puesto mucha atención. Hace solo una semana volví a escribir allí, la segunda vez que lo hago. Pero fue sobre un tema que apenas he tratado tangencialmente aquí, la «bogotanidad». Voy a reciclarlo, en primer lugar, para hacerle cuña al otro blog. El mito de ser bogotano […]

    24. Max Quijano dijo:

      El problema no es la ignorancia de los productores y directores de las peliculas.. ellos saben exactamente como es la cosa.. lo que pasa es que de a proposito hacen estas cosas para usar el cine como medio de “estupidizar” aun mas al pueblo gringo… asi que si de ahi seguimos hablando pasariamos a George Bush y demas.. asi que por el momento dejemoslo asi…

    25. V-J dijo:

      Muy bueno el comentario, pero se le fueron unas cosas de más. Ningún colombiano odia a Bogotá, ¿Como podriamos hacerlo?, Esta gran ciudad no es sino el lugar donde todas las subculturas de este hermoso país confluyen. Aqui se encuentran paisas, costeños, rolos, opitas, pastusos, y de lo demás, donde todos convivimos y ayudamos. Y sobre todo, ES UN COMENTARIO ESTUPIDO DECIR QUE LAS PERSONAS DE TIERRA CALIENTE NO SON CIVILIZADAS, le recuerdo que principalmente la costa (lugar de tierra caliente) es lugar de donde salen las personas más famosas que exportamos, sé además que no tengo que dar ejemplos, jeje no terminaria. En fin, sé que tenemos que dar buen ejemplo y combatir esterotipos como el que ha creado la pelicula y que tienen muchas personas de nuestra capital, pero no serviria de nada si creamos otros que nos afectan de otra manera.

      Víctor Julio Salazar Martínez
      Mompós - Colombia
      A la fecha: curso undécimo grado y tengo 15 años.

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